HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
This line from Airplane.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra