[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
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Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
respect
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.