DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
i now pronounce you bounced.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.