richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.