Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
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I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Happy weekend !
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea