Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Lmbo
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us