Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I am a gravy boat captain
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*