Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I hate my earbuds.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Clients after you give them your rates
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”