Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.