2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
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Animal poetry
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
#winning
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.