maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.