I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car