When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
#SuperBowl
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today