I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
LOL
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.