We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.