I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
We found love in a hopeless place.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Labreador
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.