God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
📽️movie date🎞️
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I never needed anything more in my life
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…