[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.