Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.