Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Pee pressure > peer pressure
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect