The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.