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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
<- sleeps well with others
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Print is alive and well!!!
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore