The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Kermit goes Blue.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
real
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.