[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Friday night party time 🥳
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*