Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
the simulation is moving too fast
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”