Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
meanwhile over on facebook
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?