Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.