I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
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goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
These work great until they don’t.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot