I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
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* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
May never get over this
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?