Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
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[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit