Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
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stop
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
The fact that my AC suggests āchurchā after āIām heading toā¦ā suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying ādo u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weirdā.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
āMy intentions are not pureā I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly Ā½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3Ā½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public š«
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into āhermit modeā and Iām like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so theyāll have something comfortable to fight in.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I appreciate a dentist who accepts āI didnāt really expect to live this longā as the answer to why I havenāt been properly taking care of my teeth.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes