GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My Sentiments Exactly
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.