Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
ok like just. call me at this point
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.