[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Why font matters.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]