me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
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Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.