Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
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MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.