Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
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me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella