*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
My love language is hissing.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours