I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
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OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?