Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
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Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”