The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom π πππππππ
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Writes βHe owed me $50β in funeral guest book.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and Iβm going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I wonder how many tragedies Iβve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying βBe careful!β
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
ME: weβre leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become βthe poor manβs butterβ again, put down the monkey paw
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
stop saying millennials arenβt having kids. my posts are my children and Iβm deeply disappointed in all of them
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Iβm going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
CUTE CATβΌοΈ
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Good advice.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. Itβs my face. lol
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think thereβs one in every room
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.