Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer