Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
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CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*eats only grass-fed donuts
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Something Saturday.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?