Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
what the hell pray for carter everyone
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”