Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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Can. I. Help. You.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒