Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.