I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
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Yup
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
HELP 😭
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken