[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
it must be school picture day
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.