Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
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You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume