Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook